Let’s talk about finding your purpose. What words of advice would you give to other women and men who are trying to find their purpose and want to live a more purpose driven life?
The first thing I would say is don’t give up because your purpose is out there. I learnt this the hard way. I worked for many years in an accounting department, I did things that I thought were my purpose. I worked at those jobs for a very long time. You graduate from college, and you get married, and you have children and other responsibilities. I remember once walking down the hallway at the TDSB saying “God, is this all I am ever going to do?” As much as I loved working with the children, I knew that I wanted to do something that would have a greater impact in their lives; I knew that there was something else I was supposed to do.
Let’s back up a bit. Before, I worked at the TDSB, I had my son, Isaiah, who is autistic. After Isaiah was born, I stayed home for 5 years, because I could not work and look after him at the same time. I remember asking the people in his programme if there was a way, we could do it after I got off work and they said it was a daytime programme, so I had to give up my job. It put a lot of strain on my husband for a while, because it was only one income. I was often at the school helping Isaiah and I found it was very easy not realising that was my purpose, until I heard God saying do this! I never heard God speaking to me before. After working so hard with Isaiah, I knew that I wanted to work with children. My son is now 25 and if I had not taken that path, you and I would not be speaking today.
People, please do not give up, your purpose is out there. It took me many years. I only started this in my mid 40s and look how long it took me. I know that everybody has a purpose, you just have to be patient. You may still have to continue in your current job for a while because you have to survive but eventually you will find your purpose, although everybody will get to it differently. I found mine when my son was born.
Self-acceptance
I remember in one of your Instagram posts, you said that you are the happiest you have ever been that you have made peace with who you are. Tell me, what that journey towards self-acceptance has been like, and how you arrived at the place where you can now say, this is me, I love who I am, I may be too much for you, but I am good with me?
It took many years because I never felt that positive about myself. I think when you are at your lowest and have nowhere else to go, that’s the time you have to take a closer look at yourself. I struggled a lot when people betrayed my trust, and I used to think that I was the problem. Recently, someone did something that nearly destroyed me and my organization and I realised that I needed to take a closer look at myself. The situation also allowed me to get closer to God and to surround myself with family.
I remember looking in the mirror one day and saying to myself, I am not a bad looking person. That was important because when I was growing up I did not like the way I looked or my complexion. I don’t feel that way now, I love who I am! When I started posting I was doing it for me. I was affirming myself. I am now confident in myself, and I want to project that confidence.
The point that you raised about complexion is a very important one. It’s a reality that those of us who are of a darker complexion experience and have work through. We live in a world that seems to value lighter complexions and it can take a while to get to that place of self-acceptance. I vividly remember how deeply devastating it was for me growing up when my friends used to call me Nugget after a brand of black shoe polish. I shared my hurt with my mother and in her wisdom, she said, ‘they are not even calling you Kiwi that’s a better brand than Nugget.’ I remember telling her that she did not understand what I was feeling, and she said, ‘I do understand, but you can’t be anything other than who you are, you can’t change the colour of your skin. You have to find a way to accept and embrace who you are, the problem is not you, its them.’ It was hard for 13-year-old me to understand what she was saying because I was so deeply hurt by the teasing.
Yes, I remember growing up in North Bay and people calling me chocolate bunny and I always wished that I was a lighter complexion. Now, I embrace everything about myself but when the world always puts you down, it is very hard to love yourself and to see who you really are. Sometimes, things have to come to a breaking point for you to really embrace and accept who you are. Now, I can say to myself that I am beautiful and mean it.
Authenticity
We touched on authenticity before. We are hearing more about authenticity and the importance of being authentically ourselves. At the same time, we are all spending time on social media where a lot of what we are seeing is ‘created.’ A lot of it is not attainable for most or not a true reflection of everyday life. How do you remain authentically you and how do you speak with the young girls and boys in your programme about being their authentic selves?
With social media, I would be the first to admit that I am stuck on it as well, but I know how to set limits for myself. Younger people don’t always know how to set those limits. I have had many parents reaching out to me asking for suggestions on how to manage the amount of time their children spend on social media. My team and I have really worked hard to make sure that we are speaking with the kids about social media so that they understand some of the pitfalls. Until I started speaking with them, I did not understand how seriously they were taking some of the things they were seeing on social media. When we were younger, we were able to play outside, but that is not possible for some of these kids because of the crime in their neighbourhoods, so spending time on social media is really all that they have. I am still trying to work through ways to help them navigate all of that.
Some of the Children understand the pitfalls but others don’t. We can help them to be authentic by showing them who you are and by telling them and re-enforcing that you love who they are. This is the message that parents have to convey to their children. Sometimes during the programme, we give them a mirror and ask them to tell us what they see. That’s hard for some of them but I tell them about how I felt about myself when I was their age. When they realise that I had some of the same issues, they are able to look in the mirror and share all the things they like about themselves. Sometimes, the girls even ask to take the mirrors home. I am only with them once per week, so it takes constant reminders and re-enforcing.
Let’s talk about having a voice. I know it is something I have struggled with and that a lot of women struggle with. So, how did you, 1. find your voice, and 2. how do you ensure that the young women in your programme have a voice.
So, I did not have a voice. Even after running Trust15 for many years I did not have a voice. It was so weird that I am running an organization where I am trying to make sure that all the children have a voice, and I did not have one. My friend, I just found my voice during covid. When I was going through that challenging situation, I wrote in my journal “my voice is not activated.” That situation that made me realize that I had to start speaking up for myself. Once I started speaking up, I realized that I had a voice, and that people were willing to listen to what I had to say. A few months ago, I posted on Instagram, “My strength is when my voice is activated.” I never had that before, because society said that as a black person, I did not have a voice, or I could not say certain things. There were times where I felt that if I said certain things, I would lose potential opportunities. For me to have go through all these years and only find my voice during covid is mindboggling. People used to tell me that I was confident, but I was not really confident. It is not easy, society has a way of shutting us up and I understood that from a very young age. Now, I can speak confidently, and advocate for myself and speak up about the things that are important to me.
It’s surprising how many women experience similar situations. I recently saw a quote which was attributed to Madeline Albright which said, ‘for a long time I did not have a voice but when I found it, I never shut up.” I remember being shocked that a woman as accomplished as Madeline Albright, who had such a remarkable career, would have felt at some point during her life that she did not have a voice. That’s why it is important that we support and encourage each other to speak up.
Resilience
We have talked about criticism and disappointment. There are times when we are beaten down, there are times when we have been on a particular path and it is no longer working and we question what we should do next. How do you find the courage to press on and show up when things get challenging or don’t go the way you planned?
First, I have to start with myself before I reach out into the world. I have to spend time with God. He is the one who is giving me the push to move forward. I have always been Seven Day Adventist, but I did not spend time with God like I am doing now. I think if I had, I would have been prepared for all of the challenges that I experienced. I also find that being of service to others helps me to stay focused even when things aren’t going as I planned. I am not going to say that I am not afraid of failure, because sometimes I am.
I read a quote by Brene Brown in which she said that it is ok to feel fear but we must armour up and continue to do the work and move forward. Recognizing that fear is trying to keep you stuck in one place.
You mentioned armouring up and that’s what I do, I put on the full armour of God. Now that I have a great relationship with God, I know what I need to put on before I face the world.
Your faith seems to be at the very core of who you are and how you interact with others. Have you always been strongly connected to your faith? How has your faith allowed you to deal with adversity?
All these years I was reading my bible and going to church, but it was only when I had something horrible happen to me that I returned to my faith. I remember I was reading a particular scripture and I told myself that if I had read these, years before, I would have been better equipped to face some of the challenges I went through. I know where my strength lies now. Maybe we need to face some adversity to really understand how much we are anchored in faith. I know not everybody has my faith and that some people may not even believe in God. Faith is personal and so you have to be careful how you speak about it. For those people who don’t believe, I would just tell them to try to find someone who they can trust and be open with the same way that I trust God.
Selfcare and wellness
What does your self-care regime look like? How to you create work/life balance?
I love to mediate, I love music, some people might think because I go to church, I am only supposed to listen to certain types of music but I love all kinds of music, I love dancing and I love journaling. I am also learning how create better work life balance. I also plan to start exercising again so that I can get healthy.
Saying no, is something that many women struggle with. We seem to feel guilty when we say no. Have you ever struggled with this and what steps have you taken to become more comfortable saying no?
I had a hard time saying no to people who needed my help. It did not matter if it was money, whatever, I could not say no. I had to learn to say no when it started to affect my family. I live in a community that is full of need, so I had to learn how to say, ‘I care about you but at this moment, I am not able to help.’ I have also forced myself not to give an answer right away and so I started telling people, ‘let me get back to you on how I can help’. I had to do this because it was affecting what I had to give to my family. Ultimately, people were really understanding but it was still hard because I want to be of service to the people in my community.
What’s next for Marcia Brown?
I am starting a group for adults. I am going to call it the Marcia Brown – Freedom group. My vision is to over time establish different chapters in different parts of the province. I have realized that I have networking and other skills and that I am good at bringing people together. I want to share with other people so that they can take up opportunities that may come their way. I am excited about the opportunities that lie ahead.
I want to thank you Marcia for sharing your experiences with me. This has been everything I thought it would be and more. I look forward to hearing about your first Freedom Group meeting and to seeing all the amazing opportunities that await you. Thank you once again for being so generous with your time.